#Amazon and Funny Cats

Another of the exact same form from Amazon and my reply

download

I don’t know why I’m bothering replying since you aren’t reading my replies, but since I love fruitless effort, here goes:

My Plan is this:

1) I have been contacting everyone who has written more than one favorable review of my work, otherwise known as FANS ( as opposed to relatives, employees or close friends) though to be honest some of my friends are fans of my work, and asking them to remove their reviews. So far this isn’t working, therefore.

 

 2) I am sending a letter to

Jeffrey P. Bezos Chairman, President & Chief Executive Officer

bezoss

Brian T. Olsavsky Chief Financial Officer & Senior Vice President

Akash Chauhan Vice President-North America Operations

Jeff M. Blackburn Senior Vice President-Business Development

Andrew R. Jassy Chief Executive Officer-Amazon Web Services

Jay Carney Senior Vice President-Global Corporate Affairs

Craig Berman Vice President

Kathy Sheehan Associate General Counsel

Jeffrey A. Wilke CEO-Worldwide Consumer Business

Seth Dallaire Vice President-Global Advertising Sales

Shelley L. Reynolds Principal Accounting Officer, VP & Controller

Beth Galetti Senior Vice President-Human Resources

John Olsen VP-Worldwide Human Resources Operations

David A. Zapolsky Secretary, Senior Vice President & General Counsel

Phil Hardin Head-Investor Relations

Michael Paull VP-Content Acquisition & Business Development

explaining your undue harassment of me.

3) I was selling on KDP select, but since you won’t let me I will start selling on Smashwords. images (2)   AND WOMEN

Amazon
Your Account Amazon.com
Message From Customer Service
Hello,

We received your information, but your plan is STILL not complete.
To publish on Amazon.com, please reply to this message with the following information:
images (1)
— A detailed description of all methods you used to post or obtain customer reviews that are prohibited by Amazon policies, or otherwise manipulate reviews. Include the dates when you used these methods and details on any third parties you used.images (3)
— Contact information (name, email address, website, etc.) for any third parties you engaged to obtain prohibited reviews or manipulate reviews.
— Identifying information for any customer accounts you or a third party used to post prohibited reviews.
— Documentation (e.g., emails, receipts) from any such third party confirming you used their service.
— List of any prohibited reviews remaining on the Amazon site.
— Description of steps you have taken to prevent product review manipulation within your organization and how this will prevent future violations.

Once we receive your plan, we will review it and decide whether you may publish on Amazon.com again.
fu
We look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,
Amazon.com
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#Amazon Customer Disservice Part I With #Funny Cat Pix

I have decided two things. One I will eventually get some good stories out of my Amazon Nightmare.

hellTwo I will blog, post and share my experience in order to help others and to vent:)

Before I start bitching I want to say that one of my Audio Books, The Truth of Fiction, narrated by the fabulous Miranda Reading- Spring is almost available for purchase. I will probably be giving away a few copies as well- so stay tuned!tof

If you want to buy the book, please do so on Smashwords, as Amazon is banning me from selling. They are selling my books, but won’t pay me because they, mistakenly believe I was manipulating reviews. What happened is that I have been trapped in an algorithm. It’s been very upsetting, but I have recovered my equilibrium and am now doing my Goliath battle.

This is the most current letter to Amazon:

cat amazon

Dear Customer Service:

On Feb. 3rd I received a letter stating that I couldn’t sell on KDP because you thought I was using third- parties to manipulate my reviews.

 

In reviewing posts from other users who have had issues, it seems that if the same person reviews more than one of your books you might get “caught” by an algorithm that “thinks ” you are manipulating reviews.

jeff holocost

I am lucky enough to have a few people, about four, who really believe in and love my books.

They have tried to promote them and of course, when they are available they review them.

This is not manipulation.

 

These people are not relatives. (Though by your logic, if your mom reviews your book you will be banned from selling on KDP, rather draconian I think. My parents are both dead, however, so I don’t have that problem.)

Because I have been unable to reach anyone who will actually look at these emails I am contacting everyone I can who has reviewed more than one of my books and am asking them to remove their reviews-

This is wrong. The reviewers have requested that Amazon contact them. They love my work and they want to be able to review it. It’s not manipulation.

cat amazon

But, I can’t find anyone in your vast organization who will help me or listen to me or my fans.

Eventually, maybe I will be able to contact anyone who has ever given me a review and get them removed. Then perhaps I will be able to sell again – This is wrong.

 

I am going to write a version of this letter and send it to Jeff Bezos. I will also post it on Facebook and my blog.david

When I mentioned that to one of the myriad “customer service reps they laughed. But perhaps, if I continue to blog, post on Facebook and write letters, first to Jeff Bezos and then to other financial officers someone will review this completely unwarranted, and unjust persecution.

 

Then I will have to let my fans know they can repost their reviews. Then I will get banned. This algorithm needs to be rewritten. It’s fine to stop people from manipulation, it’s not fine to persecute them unjustly,

Sincerely,cat smirk

Elizabeth King

PS I’m posting a few, a very few, of the volume of email I receive from your bots as well as one of your completely incompetent “Leads,” Barbara DR.

 

smile

“Hello,

 

We have continued to detect fraudulent reviews of your books. As a result, you currently may not publish on Amazon.com.

To publish on Amazon.com, please reply to this message with the following information:

jeff

— A detailed description of all methods you used to post or obtain customer reviews that are prohibited by Amazon policies, or otherwise manipulate reviews. Include the dates when you used these methods and details on any third parties you used.

— Contact information (name, email address, website, etc.) for any third parties you engaged to obtain prohibited reviews or manipulate reviews.

— Identifying information for any customer accounts you or a third party used to post prohibited reviews.

— Documentation (e.g., emails, receipts) from any such third party confirming you used their service.

— List of any prohibited reviews remaining on the Amazon site.

— Description of steps you have taken to prevent product review manipulation within your organization and how this will prevent future violations.

jeff_bezos_devil

Once we receive your plan, we will review it and decide whether you may publish on Amazon.com again. If you do not send an acceptable plan within 17 days, we may permanently remove your selling privileges. Any funds in your account may be held up to 90 days, but funds could be held longer.

Any violations of the KDP Terms and Conditions may result in your account being terminated (https://kdp.amazon.com/help?topicId=APILE934L348N).

 

For additional questions, please send an email to review-author-appeals@amazon.com.

 

We look forward to hearing from you.

bezos_time_man_of_year

Best regards,

Amazon.com

Hello,

 

The email you received on 02/07/2018 14:24 PST was sent to you in error. We are sorry for any inconvenience this has caused.

 

Please see the message below for updated information regarding your account suspension.

 

cc

 

— Contact information (name, email address, website, etc.) for any third parties you engaged to obtain prohibited reviews or manipulate reviews.

 

ME: Because I did not use third parties, I can’t give you contact info for the third parties I didn’t use.

 

— Identifying information for any customer accounts you or a third party used to post prohibited reviews.

 

ME: I cannot give you customer info. for third parties or me because neither I nor a third part posted reviews.

bezoss

 

— Description of steps you have taken to prevent product review manipulation within your organization and how this will prevent future violations.

 

ME: I don’t have an organization. I cannot do anything to prevent product review manipulation within a nonexistent organization.

Once we receive your plan, we will review it and decide whether you may publish on Amazon.com again.

jeff-bezos-amazon-doctor-evil

At this time, we provide support for questions about customer review manipulation by email only.

That’s great – I recommend The Trial by Kafka – he didn’t manipulate me to recommend it either because he’s dead.

 

 

E.E. King

Good morning Elizabeth,

 

Thank you so much for contacting us back.

 

As promised to you, I’m contacting you back with the response from our community escalation department. No additional information was provided to me and I really would like to apologize. I really would like to go in deep but for security reasons, I’m not able to.

fuck

You need to directly contact them at review-author-appeals@amazon.com in order to request additional information and have a possible solution to your concern.

 

In advance I really appreciate all your comprehension.

 

Regards,

Barbara DR Amazon

Your Account   Amazon.com

Message From Customer Service

Hello,fu

 

We received your information, but your plan is not complete. Our review of your account found that your account is closely related to accounts who have written Amazon customer reviews for “Pandora’s Card Game” that you have a financial interest in. This includes books that you or your competitors have published.

 

Our policies state that relatives, close friends, business associates, or employees of authors OR AUTHORS THEMSELVES on Amazon may not write reviews for an author’s books.

ii

Authors are not allowed to manipulate ratings, feedback, or Customer Reviews.

 

To publish on Amazon.com, please reply to this message with the following information:

 

— A detailed description of all methods you used to post or obtain customer reviews that are prohibited by Amazon policies, or otherwise manipulate reviews. Include the dates when you used these methods and details on any third parties you used.

— Contact information (name, email address, website, etc.) for any third parties you engaged to obtain prohibited reviews or manipulate reviews.

— Identifying information for any customer accounts you or a third party used to post prohibited reviews.

— Documentation (e.g., emails, receipts) from any such third party confirming you used their service.

— List of any prohibited reviews remaining on the Amazon site.

— Description of steps you have taken to prevent product review manipulation within your organization and how this will prevent future violations.

Cb2U2WkWwAUpeMa

Once we receive your plan, we will review it and decide whether you may publish on Amazon.com again.

 

We look forward to hearing from you.

 

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#Amazon #Wars Save me Jeff Bezos!

 This is the beginning of a journal  of my Amazon Fucks me Journal
Day who -the- fuck- knows- any -more
To Barabara DR-
Is this the phone call RJ, one of the “customer leads” from KDP said I’d receive? Because it doesn’t seem like a phone call, but I could be mistaken. He said someone from the mysterious, phoneless Community Review department would contact me and explain to me what I have done to incur the Communities rath and cause them to revoke my publishing privileges.
You say,” I have already contacted the team to request an insight on your situation.” Please forgive any impertance on my part, but how difficult is this?
If some live person could simply look at my account and tell me in actual words- not initials – what the problem is I’m, sure we could easily clear this up. I have not engaged any third party websites, nor have relatives, close friends, or employees reviewed my books, though fans who I know and am friendly with, have.
Please help me is fixing this soon, as I depend on publishing my books for my livelihood.
Day – who knows- who cares
#Amazon wars – I managed to contact #KDP on the phone and speak to a “Customer service lead,” called RJ, who almost never speaks to actual people… if shows.
He said my letter is coming from a mysterious department called “Community Reviews, that exists in a separate universe without phones and that is no way for me to contact them. He said they have terminated me – or at least my account. I asked, actually begged him to explain to me what I had done. He could not. He said, “I don’t understand it.” Then, when I said, “See, even you don’t understand it,” he got very, very angry and began to read THE LETTER to me…
I asked if he could please just put himself in my place, but RJ is a Customer Service Lead, he’s above that.
Finally, he promised that within 24 hours, I’d get a phone call from the department that has no phones. I did not. Instead, I got this…
“Good evening Elizabeth,
My name is Barbara and I’m a Kindle Direct Publishing supervisor.
I received your concern regarding some reviews posted in our platform that did not follow our guidelines.
I have already contacted the team to request an insight on your situation. As soon as I receive a response, I will contact you back.
In advance I really appreciate all your patience while working on a solution.
Regards,
Barbara DR”
Do you suppose she’s a Doctor? Are the community guidelines so complex you need a PhD to comprehend them?
DAY 7

Creative responses to #Amazon

” If you explained in understandable language what you believed I had done, I could give you a plan- instead, this letter goes to a bot that spits out the same response ad infinitum- it’s frustrating, to say the least. I would not guess what the most would be, I dream of vast destructions. I imagine warehouses aflame and robots burning… do they scream? Can they feel? I feel.
I almost wept when I told one of your human minions I’d write to Jeff Bezos and they laughed…

“ Men made the Machine…do not forget that…The Machine is much, but not everything.”
― E.M. Forster, The Machine Stops

Someday you too may be trapped in its clutches, unable to reach a human, unable to get water or food…and then you too shall cry.

 

Day 6

I told the #Amazon guy I was thinking of writing #Jeff #Bezos because I didn’t know what else to do and he laughed…
I guess it’s funny, in a sick, sad way

Day 5

So – The #Amazon Loop continues – I think I will write #Jeff #Bezos – I just talked to someone who promised I will somehow (miraculously) get transferred to talk to someone tomorrow …

From #Amazon
“Our review of your account found that your account is closely related to accounts who have written Amazon customer reviews for books that you have a financial interest in. This includes books that you or your competitors have published.”

Me: “What account is my account related to ?- as far as I know, it is not related to any other accounts. I have provided you with the information of two of the four people who reviewed my book – One did not want their information revealed and you keep sending me the same form. Are they the accounts you believe are related to mine/”

“To publish on Amazon.com, please reply to this message with the following information – please kindly provide us ASIN(s), RID(s) or CID(s) in your plan.:”

I do not know what this means.

And then there’s the usual … asking for third-party websites, which I can’t supply because there are none.

Day WTF I lost count

 

More fun with #Amazon – It’s a mad circle. I told the last agent I was talking to:” All I want is to know what you think I have done, specifically, then I can give you a “plan” to fix it. Asking me to reveal the third party websites I engaged to manipulate reviews is like being asked,’When did you stop beating your mother?’ I told her it was an analogy… but she hung up anyway. Maybe she does beat her mom and it was a sore spot… at least for her mother.

 

Day 4

— Contact information (name, email address, website, etc.) for any third parties you engaged to obtain prohibited reviews or manipulate reviews.

Because I did not use third parties, I can’t give you contact info for the third parties I didn’t use.


— Documentation (e.g., emails, receipts) from any such third party confirming you used their service.

I can’t give you documentation because I did not use a third party
— Description of steps you have taken to prevent product review manipulation within your organization and how this will prevent future violations.

I don’t have an organization. I cannot do anything to prevent product review manipulation within a nonexistent organization.

Once we receive your plan, we will review it and decide whether you may publish on Amazon.com again.

At this time, we provide support for questions about customer review manipulation by email only.
That’s great – I recomend The Trial by Kafka – he didn’t manipulate me to recomend it either because he’s dead.

 

Day 2

AMAZON — Contact information (name, email address, website, etc.) for any third parties you engaged to obtain prohibited reviews or manipulate reviews.
ME —
Because I did not use third parties, I can’t give you contact information for the third parties I didn’t use.

 

Day 1 –

Amazon sends mysterious letter and cancels my account .

 

 

 

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BOOKS, Birds, Cats & Crows

I’ve just had a couple of linked short story collections come out (these are stories linked by a connecting tale- a la The Illustrated Man.)
In fact, when I told Ray Bradbury, my mentor, “Ray, I’m stealing your idea. He said, “Great! Go out and steal some more!”
The first of these is, “Pandora’s Card Game,” A game between Chance, Luck Destiny, and Chance where every card tells a tale.

I’m thrilled to say it’s already gotten GREAT reviews! Thanks, Mom & Dad!

The second is, “The Truth of Fiction,” three friends go on a quest for THE TRUTH in a magical wood, where stories literally grow on trees. And, if shorts aren’t your thing,

(It’s also gotten great reviews.)
I’ve also just released two novels, “Electric Detective” is a Science-fiction mystery – a hard-drinking PI is hit by lighting enabling him to see into other dimensions – I really think you will like it.IMG_2402 2
The second is “Blood Prism”, Penny Dreadful meets American Gods- a literary, slightly gothic dark fantasy.
I also have a funny children’s series out – “The Adventure’s of Emily Finfeather.”

One thing all my books, including my first novel, best seller. Dirk Quigby’s Guide to the Afterlife, have in common?mag and b

All my heroes and heroines have cats, usually but not always black, always magic,  and in one case a crow.

Why? Because my cats anIMG_2325.jpgd sometimes magpies or starlings

cc are my co-authors.

That’s why the animals in my tales are so lifelike – and also so savant.

They’re always the heros and always rescue their “owners.”

Without them the protagonist would die, though they’d never have to clean poop off a keyboard, which does have a certain appeal.

My co authors object

IMG_2323.jpg

to the word owners- they prefer “slaves.” It’s so much more accurate

So buy these books and keep us in tuna and worms!                 IMG_2350.jpg

IMG_2427.JPG
Write a bestseller or we’ll phoop on your computer, actually, we’ll poop on it regardless .”   No Cats or Birds were harmed in the making of this Blog. A keyboard did receive a lot of unwelcome attention however. IMG_2425.JPGIMG_2426.JPG

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Electric Cats & Lighting Tuna

kit re

 

Looking for some great books? Electric Detective will light you up!

It’s Humphrey Bogart meets The Man in the High Castle.
Raymond Chandler meets Philip K. Dick
Eddie Evers was at the top of his game, working for the FBI, tracking missing children, and the scum who took them. But when his wife and child are killed in a car crash, he leaves the force and becomes a hard-drinking PI.
While in pursuit of a phantom criminal, he’s hit by lightning. The bolt super-charges the biophotons in his brain,
enabling him to see into other dimensions and experience electricity in a whole new light.

When Eddie returns home from the hospital he discovers he’s not the only one who’s been struck …..claw in

“On the porch sat a black cat. It wasn’t mine. I don’t have a cat or a dog, a wife, a child, or even a goldfish. I did once, but that was a long time ago…

The cat looked at me and strolled over, rubbing back and forth between my legs … and then I saw it, the burn – wine-red, cut into its flesh, like the veins of a leaf, zigzagged across its smooth fur. The cat looked at me with large pale eyes, they were probably green, but I couldn’t see the color.elec

Something passed between us, something more than words. I could feel signals like small jolts of electricity running across the red stream of my lightning mark.his cat

I opened the door to my house. It had once been home, but now it was only a place to sleep, and eat. There was a piano in the corner, silent as a crypt, dark as a shadow. I didn’t look at it.

The cat followed me inside, and stalked over to the cabinet where I keep my cans. It was like the furry devil knew where I kept the food. I opened a tin of tuna for him, and poured a shot of Jack Daniels for me. I put the tuna next to me on the table. I took a long sip of whiskey. It felt good going down, like a soft bed at the end of a long day, but it wasn’t enough to soften the rough borders of my soul.

The cat leapt up and curled his tongue into the juice. It seemed so natural, me by the table, him on it, just two guys sharing a drink. He didn’t touch the fish, but lapped up all the liquid, leaving behind desiccated chunks of tuna that dried into a small, fishy canyon. Apparently he wasn’t big on solids either.bk cat

The cat was male. I knew it, just as I knew his name, Max. But I didn’t know how I knew. I’m a practical guy. I like proof. I like facts I don’t like knowing things without a reason.. In the near darkness, Max rubbed my hand, first with his wet nose, then with the red scar that vibrated with heat. I wondered if he’d lost his memory too. …”

fangs cat

So if you like science – biophotos- Raymond chandler – detectives – clever banters and CATS – get a copyfile

Max needs tunabig eyes cat

tunaem

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On Podcats Reading Cats, Book Giveaways and Kindlepreneur  

So – great news on a number of fronts-
I had a wonderful interview this morning with Charles Christian, barrister, writer, and publisher of the fabulous #grievousangel, on

Dirk Quigby’s Guide to the Afterlife #BOOKS, #Dayofthedead, #RayBradbury, Albino Pineapples, and other fun subjects.spanish dirkCover KDP Final Dirk

Thank you, Charles !!!-

Grievous Angel accepted one of my day of the dead stories:)  – Marigolds & Monarchs.

I found out the marvelously talented Emily Emerson is going to narrate my new release

BloodPrism.
It’s a cross between PennyDreadful and AmericanGods a blend of history, fantasy, and mythology, through the Catskill Mountains and down the River Styx into an alternate San Francisco, where love might just be stronger than demons, genetics, and destiny… or not…  It also has a crow named Huck and a deaf cat named Beethoven  – so it’s bird and beast friendly…

BLOODme and magsreading cat

The two on my shoulders are magpies – but it’s all in the family (the corvid family) 

And the incredible Chris Graybill  will narrate #ElectricDetective

His reading of Eddie Evers, – a Bogart-like private dick on the mean streets of LA is perfect!

Electric Detective is – Raymond Chandler meets Philip K. Dick…Humphrey Bogart meets The Man in the High Castle.

A hard-drinking PI in pursuit of a phantom criminal is hit by lightning, enabling him to see into other dimensions and feel electricity in a whole new light.ED

I will be hosting two enormous GOODREADSGiveaways

of 100 copies each!

#ElectricDetective Giveaway dates: Jan 24 – Mar 03, 2018

#BloodPrism Giveaway dates: Jan 31 – Feb 28, 2018

I might do a few other giveaways too – but believe it or not it costs the author money to give it away-

How’s that for a bumper sticker – writers give it away

Amazon giveaways cost the writer FULL PRICE for every kindle giveaway – which seems a bit greedy to say the least.

Oh well- The rich don’t get rich by being philanthropists – they only do that later to change their reputation Jeff Bezos of Amazon is listed as a philanthropist – but I guess it doesn’t extend to letting writers share free copies of Kindle books as a promotion. It’s much more glamorous to gouge writers and give to troubled kids.. but why not do both (if you are the richest man in the world.) After all, there’s a good chance that a troubled kid will grow into a writer – Surely, you don’t think we were normal children?

J. Paul Getty had a pay phone in his house.

Nobel, the inventor of dynamite, only started the Noble Prize after reading his prematurely released obituary entitled “The merchant of death is dead.” That decided him to donate the majority of his wealth to found the Nobel Prize because he wanted a better biography… but he did it posthumously. His kids must have hated him.

I am making the jump from traditional publishing to hybrid publishing- I have some books with publishers and am doing some myself – Why? – 1) traditional publishing takes forever! I’ve had huge publishers keep my books for two years-   and even if they give you a contract it’s another two years till publication … And they take most of the money… But self-publishing involves marketing … so

I’m also going to give a plug to Kindlepreneur  Dave Chesson  for his vids, online courses and very personal and personable help on book descriptions  (I was a total pest and he was really nice – thanks Dave!) and perhaps even more importantly his amazing KDP Rocket – a tool that will help authors pick search words – I just tried it – and first time out – went from one million and god-knows-what to 100 on many searches  – Thanks Dave!

He doesn’t yet know I’m writing this – It’s unsolicited and very honest – as anyone who knows me will attest to – if a marketing tool works for me- it will work for anyone-

So please, share this post and buy my books so I can afford to give them away, write some more. and – more importantly

cat rr    Keep the cats in tuna – kit re

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CATS READ

willie and iggieThis is , Milo, a young egret  I raised with William, the kitten. Milo flew off to freedom and Willie is living happily with his friends,  Ratamcque  (Ratty for short)

 

ratty

and THE BEAST – pictured here as a unicat and indulging in catnip.

 

The Beast is receiving counseling from Rabbi Catz for his habit

 

Soon we hope he’ll be munching Matzos and spending more time in literary pursuits like his buddy Max, who is a regular Twitcher

max bird watch qq What is a twitcher ???- Rabbi Catz says – “Look it up youngsters. What are paws for?

 

rabbi catz food.jpg

(Rabbi Catz – Rabbi Catz is famous throughout throughout the feline. When not purifying mice, he’s currently finishing his seminal work Keeping Kosher for Catz. )

 

He also has a line of Glatt Kosher Cat food

Catz and Max are both big readers as are some of the foster kitties they host.

 

Recently Keaton Kat  was doing research and found that blogs about cats get more readers. So, in an effort to get his slavie author E. E. King to sell more books and buy more tuna he and the other beasties  -Heckle and Jeckle – the Magpies – and Sara, Ubert and P, the starlings  put together this blog.

cat computer

Incidentally, the Magpies and Stralings prefer dry dog food – and formula.  Milo the egret prefers fresh fish  – but ALL the birds are simple rescues that grow up and fly to freedom. That is why the cats believe that tuna is the priority. maggie typingSo, we all hope you will visit E.E. King’s  Author page.  and her website www.elizabetheveking.com

and especially check out new books Electric Detective and Blood Prism

Connected short story collections Pandora’s Card Game and The Truth of Fiction

and Children’s books ( on audio, text and Kindle) The Adventures of Emily Finfeather.

And after you have checked them out buy some! Butterflies may be free but Tuna isn’t . No Felines or birds were injured – or  made to move off the bed or the keyboard or out of bookshelves while making this blog.

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